Running

I've been running from the truth, from the lies. I've been running from the future and the past. I've been running from friends, intimacy, and close relationships. I've been running from fun events, because I'm too fat. I've been running from cookies, cakes, ice cream... I've been running from chicken, beef, and seafood. I've been running from soda, and juices. I've been running from pasta, rice, and potatoes. I've been running from bread and butter. And recently, I've even started running away from fruits and vegetables. But, I've done all this with out actually running...

Tomorrow I'm going to start running again. I used to run 2 miles a day, but then I just got too tired. It's been a while so I'm going to try a light 1 mile run - I don't even know if I can do that! I'm planning on having a fruit smoothie before my run so that I can have the energy to complete it. Also, I went to GNC and got this really cool detox - I have to drink this special tea with a splash of lemon juice for breakfast and dinner. I'm excited about that. I'll let you know how my run goes tomorrow.

Help

Tonight was Sunday dinner with my family. I smiled in my little blue dress and sat at the table ready to torture myself. We had pot roast. I had a carrot, 1/8 of a potato and a sliver of onion. I went into the bathroom and started to cry after that. I couldn't help but let all my emotions drain out of me. I grabbed my make-up back in my purse and covered up the evidence. And then I made up an excuse that my husband needed me and I left. I left my family and a good time because I didn't want mama to make me eat her peach cobbler.

Recently, my legs and arms have grown heavier. I can't move like I used too. It's hard to finish my daily mile and I get dizzy when I stand up too fast. My legs are falling asleep more and more. I lay awake at night, shaking them awake. My body is turning on me.

I allow myself safe foods, I eat the best that I can. I drink green tea and lots of water. I eat cucumbers and raw spinach and vegetable soup for 25 calories. Sometimes when I try really hard I can eat a couple almonds, but I can't if I think about how fattening they are. I'm a mess. I need help.

I haven't eaten in two days...

Life has been pretty chill, and I find it's been pretty easy not to eat this weekend (usually, I can't get out of a family meal). Last night, my husband and I got into a fight. And, we were in bed ready to sleep with the lights off and I was just crying, crying, crying. Then he reached out and held me so close, so tight. I felt peace. But, in moments like that there's a "help me" always on my lips ready to come out. I always want to say, "I didn't eat today, or the day before, or the day before... I need help." But, it never comes out. I can't even say those words out loud. Help me.