I haven't been here in a while, but when things get rough I always come back here. Writing has and probably will always be the only healthy coping mechanism I have. I'm corrupted with other ways to deal with my pain that in turn bring more pain. It's a vicious cycle that I realize, I acknowledge it; but I can't make it stop.
I'm proud to say that it has been a long time since I have taken a blade to my wrists. And, I am proud of that. The scars are still triggering, and when I see the color red or bloody meat I get a little prickle of "Oh, that would feel nice tonight..." I sound psychotic, but if you have ever had to deal with SI - you understand.
I have been having a rough time with food, lately. Well, I should say lately because I've always had a rough time with food but lately it's gotten worse. I've been on this really extreme work-out program that allows me to eat 1000 calories a day and I'm doing that and a little more each day. Which is what's scaring me, actually. Since working out my muscles my body has been more hungry than usually. Michael says it's because I need more protein. I think it's because I'm losing my control.
Either way, I don't know if I'm supposed to stop working out and go back to starving or to keep working out because I am seeing results in my muscles. I think I will hold on just a bit longer and then I will stop again. I'm just so torn on to do this the "healthy" way, or if I can even manage to do it the healthy way, or to revert back to what has worked in the past.
I want make my husband proud of the wife he has on his arm. I want to fit into tiny clothes and wear a bikini confidently. What is it going to take? I just don't feel good. I'm just not happy.