Sunday, July 17, 2011

Just Yuck

I haven't been here in a while, but when things get rough I always come back here. Writing has and probably will always be the only healthy coping mechanism I have. I'm corrupted with other ways to deal with my pain that in turn bring more pain. It's a vicious cycle that I realize, I acknowledge it; but I can't make it stop.

I'm proud to say that it has been a long time since I have taken a blade to my wrists. And, I am proud of that. The scars are still triggering, and when I see the color red or bloody meat I get a little prickle of "Oh, that would feel nice tonight..." I sound psychotic, but if you have ever had to deal with SI - you understand.

I have been having a rough time with food, lately. Well, I should say lately because I've always had a rough time with food but lately it's gotten worse. I've been on this really extreme work-out program that allows me to eat 1000 calories a day and I'm doing that and a little more each day. Which is what's scaring me, actually. Since working out my muscles my body has been more hungry than usually. Michael says it's because I need more protein. I think it's because I'm losing my control.

Either way, I don't know if I'm supposed to stop working out and go back to starving or to keep working out because I am seeing results in my muscles. I think I will hold on just a bit longer and then I will stop again. I'm just so torn on to do this the "healthy" way, or if I can even manage to do it the healthy way, or to revert back to what has worked in the past.

I want make my husband proud of the wife he has on his arm. I want to fit into tiny clothes and wear a bikini confidently. What is it going to take? I just don't feel good. I'm just not happy.


  1. You might need more protein. I don't know what you eat each day but I'm not sure how much protein can be squeezed into 1000 cal days without using supplements.
    Strength training will provide the stimulus for muscle building, but without the building blocks being there, not much will happen.
    I do use supps, protein shakes ftw! :)

  2. Strength training will make you hungry because of how much energy it uses up, I say keep on keeping on because we know you've got to be burning a lot of cals with your training, probably more than 1000 which is why you're hungry! Hunger isn't loss of control, givin in to hunger is. This sounds like an awesome plan & one youre able to follow which makes it even better!! Keep it up girly! Get some abs! those little girly abs always look hot with a bikini ;)

  3. You're stronger than I could ever be.

    I stopped coming here too, but I always come back.

    I've missed you, love.

    You're amazing, do believe it. Even if only for a moment.

    I love you, xxx