Tonight was Sunday dinner with my family. I smiled in my little blue dress and sat at the table ready to torture myself. We had pot roast. I had a carrot, 1/8 of a potato and a sliver of onion. I went into the bathroom and started to cry after that. I couldn't help but let all my emotions drain out of me. I grabbed my make-up back in my purse and covered up the evidence. And then I made up an excuse that my husband needed me and I left. I left my family and a good time because I didn't want mama to make me eat her peach cobbler.
Recently, my legs and arms have grown heavier. I can't move like I used too. It's hard to finish my daily mile and I get dizzy when I stand up too fast. My legs are falling asleep more and more. I lay awake at night, shaking them awake. My body is turning on me.
I allow myself safe foods, I eat the best that I can. I drink green tea and lots of water. I eat cucumbers and raw spinach and vegetable soup for 25 calories. Sometimes when I try really hard I can eat a couple almonds, but I can't if I think about how fattening they are. I'm a mess. I need help.