Running

I've been running from the truth, from the lies. I've been running from the future and the past. I've been running from friends, intimacy, and close relationships. I've been running from fun events, because I'm too fat. I've been running from cookies, cakes, ice cream... I've been running from chicken, beef, and seafood. I've been running from soda, and juices. I've been running from pasta, rice, and potatoes. I've been running from bread and butter. And recently, I've even started running away from fruits and vegetables. But, I've done all this with out actually running...

Tomorrow I'm going to start running again. I used to run 2 miles a day, but then I just got too tired. It's been a while so I'm going to try a light 1 mile run - I don't even know if I can do that! I'm planning on having a fruit smoothie before my run so that I can have the energy to complete it. Also, I went to GNC and got this really cool detox - I have to drink this special tea with a splash of lemon juice for breakfast and dinner. I'm excited about that. I'll let you know how my run goes tomorrow.

Help

Tonight was Sunday dinner with my family. I smiled in my little blue dress and sat at the table ready to torture myself. We had pot roast. I had a carrot, 1/8 of a potato and a sliver of onion. I went into the bathroom and started to cry after that. I couldn't help but let all my emotions drain out of me. I grabbed my make-up back in my purse and covered up the evidence. And then I made up an excuse that my husband needed me and I left. I left my family and a good time because I didn't want mama to make me eat her peach cobbler.

Recently, my legs and arms have grown heavier. I can't move like I used too. It's hard to finish my daily mile and I get dizzy when I stand up too fast. My legs are falling asleep more and more. I lay awake at night, shaking them awake. My body is turning on me.

I allow myself safe foods, I eat the best that I can. I drink green tea and lots of water. I eat cucumbers and raw spinach and vegetable soup for 25 calories. Sometimes when I try really hard I can eat a couple almonds, but I can't if I think about how fattening they are. I'm a mess. I need help.

I haven't eaten in two days...

Life has been pretty chill, and I find it's been pretty easy not to eat this weekend (usually, I can't get out of a family meal). Last night, my husband and I got into a fight. And, we were in bed ready to sleep with the lights off and I was just crying, crying, crying. Then he reached out and held me so close, so tight. I felt peace. But, in moments like that there's a "help me" always on my lips ready to come out. I always want to say, "I didn't eat today, or the day before, or the day before... I need help." But, it never comes out. I can't even say those words out loud. Help me.

Skyscraper

I'm on my period and I feel bloated and nasty. It just hasn't been a great couple of weeks. Have you ever been completely shut off by your boyfriend/fiance/husband? I literally just was, and it was the first time... I feel so unsexy, unworthy, like I'm some fat cow and he'd rather just beat the meat himself than even come near me. Gah, I've been so needy and emotional lately. I need to snap out of this. 

I feel like I ate way too much today, and it was very unhealthy stuff. It started with, (after I skipped breakfast), lunch with my husband to Chili's. I ate some chips and got a side salad with lite ranch. I didn't really touch it, but I did let a few things pass my lips. Then I had a few handfuls of chex mix (1 cup is 160),  literally 1 bite of the broccoli chicken cheese casserole, plus a green tea with mint. But then, what makes me hate myself and seriously contemplate suicide is when I said yes to a brownie with walnuts and a cup of 2% milk. Disgusting. I am disgusted with myself. 

Then as I was just about to start my sprints on the treadmill my husband comes in with his phone on speaker and we have to go to a friends hows to get instructions on how to feed their dogs when we house sit for them on Saturday. I hate my life. Rawr. 

I'm going to bed. I can't wait to start a new day tomorrow! 

Gross

I worked all day today and my body is aching. I feel yucky and gross and like I need to go to sleep and never wake up again. I made one poached egg and a slice of 40 calorie toast this morning but was feeling so grossed-out I couldn't even finish it. Food that passed my lips for the rest of the day consisted of a couple of protein shakes and a 90 calorie Special K bar and intake of less than 520 calories.

I'm going to sip some green tea now and pretend my life doesn't suck.

Wipe Your Tears

"Wipe your tears sweetie, you're better than that."

It's after midnight and I have to get up for work tomorrow, but I just can't sleep. My husband is in the living room watching some Madea movie - but what he said to me earlier today haunts me.

We were sitting on the couch; I had just made him a grilled cheese and ham sand which. I looked at his tiny, muscular, toned legs and told him they were small. He said, "No, they aren't!" But I said, "They're smaller than mine..." He put his fingers around mine and said, "You're right, wow, well you're getting there." I was stunned.

What the fuck ever. I AM getting there. Just more motivation, aye?

Just Yuck

I haven't been here in a while, but when things get rough I always come back here. Writing has and probably will always be the only healthy coping mechanism I have. I'm corrupted with other ways to deal with my pain that in turn bring more pain. It's a vicious cycle that I realize, I acknowledge it; but I can't make it stop.

I'm proud to say that it has been a long time since I have taken a blade to my wrists. And, I am proud of that. The scars are still triggering, and when I see the color red or bloody meat I get a little prickle of "Oh, that would feel nice tonight..." I sound psychotic, but if you have ever had to deal with SI - you understand.

I have been having a rough time with food, lately. Well, I should say lately because I've always had a rough time with food but lately it's gotten worse. I've been on this really extreme work-out program that allows me to eat 1000 calories a day and I'm doing that and a little more each day. Which is what's scaring me, actually. Since working out my muscles my body has been more hungry than usually. Michael says it's because I need more protein. I think it's because I'm losing my control.

Either way, I don't know if I'm supposed to stop working out and go back to starving or to keep working out because I am seeing results in my muscles. I think I will hold on just a bit longer and then I will stop again. I'm just so torn on to do this the "healthy" way, or if I can even manage to do it the healthy way, or to revert back to what has worked in the past.

I want make my husband proud of the wife he has on his arm. I want to fit into tiny clothes and wear a bikini confidently. What is it going to take? I just don't feel good. I'm just not happy.